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  • 5 Glasova - 4.2 Prosečno
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Vicevi
Naputak za vojnike u rovu na prvoj crti:
1. Ako te svrbe jaja, počeši se
2. Ako pri tome napipaš tri jaja, medicinski si fenomen
3. Ako napipaš četiri jaja, znaj da ti je neprijatelj duboko u pozadini.

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Nakon operacije grudi pita doktor pacijenticu:
- "I jeste li zadovoljni sa veličinom?"
- "Da doktore ali ja imam još jednu želju, želim da imam malo krupnije oči."
- "Nema problema, sestro pokaži gospođi račun."

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I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
 
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e procitah negde ovo

Moj je mali, ali mek ko duša! Smile
 
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Mujo na cesti zgazio pijetla.
Zaustavi auto te ode kod domaćice:
- "Žao mi je gospođo, ali zaista nije bilo namjerno!
Kako mogu da vam nadoknadim?"
- "Izvolite, kokoške su iza kuće."
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Razgovaraju punica i zet. Punica će:
• Ovaj ručni rad star je više od 100 godina!
• Divan je... A jeste li ga vi sami izradili?
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I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
"Why?" my daughter asked.
"Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs" I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Mommy, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart."
I was thinking quickly. "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
"OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy."
"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face.
 
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Dva katolika u Irskoj sjede na klupi u parku, preko puta javne kuće.
Odjednom dođe rabin, pogleda oko sebe i ušunja se kroz vrata.
* Gledaj, na što su spali ti Židovi... Rabin im ide u javnu kuću. - kaže jedan Irac.
Sjede oni i dalje, a ono dođe protestantski svećenik, pogleda oko sebe i uđe u javnu kuću.
* A ni ti protestantni nisu ništa bolji, - kaže drugi Irac i zadovoljno namigne prvom.
I tako, sjede oni i dalje, kad dođe katolički svećenik, pogleda oko sebe i krišom uđe u javnu kuću.
* Jao, - reče prvi Irac - neka od djevojaka je sigurno na samrti.

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Vrhunac pijanstva je kad zovneš konobara i kažeš mu:
- Konobar, donesi mi vrata da izađem!

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A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his mother, "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"
The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure."
The son thanks his mom, and then seeks his father opinion, "Dad, why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."
 
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Razgovaraju dvije plavuše.
- Sviđa mi se onaj tip.
- Reci mu.
- Mu.
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Razgovaraju dvije prijateljice. Prva:
- Ah, kako bih voljela da moj muž ima onu stvar do koljena.
Druga:
- Ja bih više voljela da ga ima do pupka.
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My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex for my birthday. It's nice, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."
 
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Fata zove Muju telefonom:
• Mujo, gde si?
• Evo me, u lovu sam!
• A ko to tako glasno stenje, bolan?
• Medved!
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Kaže Fata Muji:
• Ako pogodiš koliko imam godina, poklanjam ti jednu divnu, nezaboravnu noć!
Mujo:
• Ovako ... po svilenkastoj kosi - 19, po toj baršunastoj koži - 18, po zanosnom, zategnutom telu - 17 ...
• Mujo, laskavče stari, grešiš, ali ipak ...
• Ne prekidaj me dok sabiram!
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A nurse walks into a bank to deposit her pay check. She reaches into her purse to pull out a pen to sign her check. To her dismay, she pulls out a rectal thermometer. In frustration, she throws her arms up and shouts, "Oh, great! Some asshole has my pen!
 
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Neki tajkun drži svečani govor pred stotinjak uzvanika povodom godišnjice osnivanja njegove tvrtke:
- "Na početku nisam imao ništa osim svoje pameti!"
Neko od uzvanika mu dobaci:
- "Znači, krenuli ste od nule!?"

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Kad su doveli unesrećenu, doktor je pregledao i izdiktirao sestri:
"Ogrebotine po rukama, napuklo drugo rebro lijevo, slomljen lijevi
gležanj."
U tom trenutku se unesrećena probudi.
"Koliko ste stari?" pita doktor.
"Dvadesetdvije godine."
"Sestro, napišite još: "Smetnje u sjećanju.

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Ovaj posvećujem našem dragom kleriku Smile

A minister decided to try something a little different one Sunday morning.
He said, "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to your mind."
The pastor shouted out, "Cross!"
Immediately the congregation started singing in unison "The Old Rugged Cross."
The pastor hollered out, "Grace!" The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound."
The pastor said, "Power!" The congregation sang "There is Power in the Blood."
The Pastor said, "Sex!"
The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything. Then all of a sudden, from the back of the church, a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing "Precious Memories."
 
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Šta je to vrhunac pijanstva?
• Vrhunac pijanstva je kad na svojoj svadbi zagrliš taštu i pitaš: Brko, jebeš li šta?
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Logika -

1. Kada bi šetanje bilo zdravo, poštar ne bi nikada umro;
2. Kit pliva cijeli dan, jede samo ribu i pije vodu, pa je ipak debeli;
3. Zec trči i skače, pa živi samo 10 godina;
4. Kornjača ne trči, ne skače, ne radi ništa, al zato živi 350 godina.

Zaključak - Je.em ti dijetu i rekreaciju!!!!

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Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."
The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred dollars?"
The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."
The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"
 
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Pita učiteljica Pericu:
'Je li ti tata još uvijek pomaže s domaćom zadaćom?'
'Ne više. Ona zadnja jedinica ga je totalno slomila!'
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- Kaje Bara, kaj placeš?
- Nema mi Stefa.
- Kak nema, gde je?
- Hmrl mi je
- Kak? Kad?
- Zaposlil se v pivovari. Opal je v bazen z pivom i ...
- auuu, je l' se mucil prevec?
- Je, jadnicak. Triput je zlazil van pišat'

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It was a celebratory mood with the boys at NASA; they had just made the scientific achievement of a lifetime.

As they were uncorking a bottle of champagne, Dr. Braun, the head scientist at NASA, asked everyone to be quiet as he had received a congratulatory phone call from the President of the United States.

He picked up a special red phone, and spoke into it. "Mr. President," said Dr. Braun, grinning broadly, "after twelve years of hard research and billions of dollars spent, we have finally found intelligent life on Mars."

He listened for a second, and his smile gradually disappeared, replaced by a frown.

He said, "But that's impossible . . . we could never do it. . . yes Mr. President," and hung up the phone. He addressed the crowd of scientists staring at him curiously.

"I have some bad news," he said, "the President said that now that we've found intelligent life on Mars . . . he wants us to try to find it in Congress."

Primenjiv i kod nas - nap. neprev.
 
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Sremac u Japanu na zeleznickoj stanici.
-Molim Vas, dacete mi jednu kartu do Ledinaca.
-Starih ili Novih?
Big smile
Svi mi kojima fali Krstitelj i drugi smajliji Big smile
 
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Davno nisam čuo taj vic ali si napisala samo drugi deo Smile Ovo je jedna od celih verzija.
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Cuo Mujo da se iz Vakufa moze vlakom do Tokija, pa odlucio da
potrosi svoju ustedjevinu koju je godinama mukotrpno skupljao
i da vidi sto to tamo u Japanu ima da su ti Japanci tako pame-
tni.
Dosao Mujo na kolodvor i pita sluzbenika kartu do Tokija. Ovaj
nema pojma o nikakvom Tokiju pa, da ne ispadne blesav, posalje
Muju na kolodvor u Sarajevo.
Pitao Mujo i u Sarajevu, a sluzbenica je tamo nesto nacula da
negdje ima karata za Tokio pa ga za svaki slucaj posalje u
Ljubljanu jer, navodno, Slovenci znaju sve pa ce mu oni pomoci.
Slovenac se pravio jos pametniji pa je rekao da su oni sve karte
rasprodali mjesec dana unaprijed i posalje Muju u Zagreb.
I tako (Cut/Paste) sve preko Skopja i Titograda obidje Mujo sve
nase YU metropole da bi najzad dobio kartu u ambasadi u Beogradu.
Ode on u Japan, cudom se nacudi Tokiju, provede se k'o car i nakon
sedam dana odluci da se vrati u Jugu.
Posto mu u ambasadi nisu mogli dati povratnu kartu, morao je nekako
kupiti kartu do Vakufa pa ode do najblizeg policajca da ga pita
gdje je najblizi kolodvor, i, gle cuda, Japanac mu kaze na cistom
srpsko-hrvatskom: "mozes desno - 100 metala do kolodvola, mozes
lijevo - 200 metala do kolodvola. "
On se zahvali i ode desno.
Dodje na kolodvor, pita sluzbenika (klinac - 15-16 godina) kartu do
Vakufa, a mali njemu: "Samo tlenutak, molim ...", okrene se, pobrcka
po tastaturi PC-a i upita: "Golnji Vakuf ili Donji Vakuf ?"
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- Zašto muškarci više "puštaju vjetrove" od žena?
- Zato što žene ne šute dovoljno dugo da stvore potreban pritisak.
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Na sreću admini ne čitaju ovo temu pa mogu da okačim ovaj vic inače bi možda dobili neke čudne ideje Smile

Uđe Mujo u banku i traži da mu isplate 200 eura.
Službenik pripremi pare, pruži mu formular:
- Potpišite ovdje...
- Neću ja ništa potpisivati.
- ?! ... Ali bez potpisa nema isplate.
- Ne mere, jel? Odo onda ja u drugu banku.
Pređe ti Mujo preko puta u drugu banku.
- Dajte mi 200 e.
- Evo, potpišite ovdje...
- Neću ti ja ništa potpisivati. Babo mi je rek'o da ništa ne
potpisujem.
- ?! ... Jeste li vi Bosanac?
- Jašta!!!
Službenik uzme čekić ispod šaltera i mazne Muju po glavi:
- POTPIŠI OVDE, JEBO TE OTAC BLESAVI!!!
Potpiše Mujo.
Izvolite. 50, 100, 150, 200.
Izađe, sretne službenika iz prve banke.
- I? Jeste li dobili pare?
- Da.
- Bez potpisa???
- Jok, potpis'o.
- Pa, što niste kod mene potpisali?!
- Eee, pa niste mi objasnili...

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A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description.

She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."

The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."

The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
 
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@Blistok, u toj verziji sam ga cula pre 2 dana Wink Super fora u svakom slucaju.
Svi mi kojima fali Krstitelj i drugi smajliji Big smile
 
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-“Pero, čujem da si već godinu dana sretno oženjen?”
- “Ma, bježi, ja sam oženjen, ona je sretna.”
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- Mama, hocu konja!
- Dobit ćeš ga kad se udaš!
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The old couple were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 50th wedding anniversary. The old woman said, "We will go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon."
"Uh huh," said the old man.

"We will do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman.

"Uh huh," said the old man.

"And we will make love like we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman.

"That's right," said the old man, "except this time I get to sit on the side of the bed and cry, 'It's too big, it's too big!'"
 
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Tri nepisana pravila:
1.
2.
3.
Svi mi kojima fali Krstitelj i drugi smajliji Big smile
 
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Ajde nešto za promenu, nisu klasični vicevi ali jesu smešni.

Političari

Možete da ubijete tisuće ljudi; Možete da uništite život; Ali ne možete da ubijete ideju.
- Izraelski vrhovni ministar Shimon Peres, komentirajući ubojstvo Yitzhak Rabina

Najveća mana kapitalizma je nepravedna podjela blagostanja; Najveća vrlina socijalizma je
podjednaka podjela bijede.
- Winston Churchill

Povijest će biti dobra prema meni, jer namjeravam da je napišem.
- Winston Churchill

Ako prolazite kroz pakao, samo naprijed.
- Winston Churchill

Bilo je slučajno. Potopili su mi brod.
- John F. Kennedy, na pitanje kako je postao ratni heroj

Nije pretjerano da se kaže da neodlučni ljudi mogu za čas da promjene mišljenje.
- George Bush, predsjednik USA

I ja imam svoja mišljenja mada se ne nekad slažem sa njima.
- George Bush, predsjednik USA

Bio sam pod sedativima, kada sam donio odluku da spalim trake.
- Richard Nixon, predsjednik USA, Watergate afera

Nismo ostali kratkih rukava. Postigli smo totalnu jednakost u siromaštvu.
- Nguyen Co Thatch, vijetnamski ministar

Čitao sam o vanjskoj politici i učio ... sada znam broj kontinenata.
- George Wallace, predsjednička kampanja 1968

Tradicionalno, većina australskog uvoza dolazi preko mora.
- Keppel Enderbery


Usmeni dogovor nije vrijedan papira na kome je napisan.
- Samual Goldwyn

Ne računajući ubojstva, Washington ima jednu od najnižih stopa kriminala u zemlji.
- Marion Barry, gradonačelnik Washingtona

Postoje dvije vrste istina: prave istine, i izmišljene istine.
- Marion Barry, povodom njegovog hapšenja zbog uporabe droge

Ako bi kriminal opao za 100%, i dalje bi ga bilo 50 puta više nego što treba.
- Poslanik John Bowman, komentirajući visoku stopu kriminala u Washingtonu.
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A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother
told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the

broom.

The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't

want to go out there. It's dark."

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have

to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out

there. He'll look after you and protect you."

The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked,

"Are you sure he's out there?"

"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to

help you when you need him," she said.

The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went

to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into

the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would

you please hand me the broom?"
 
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