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  • 5 Glasova - 4.2 Prosečno
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An old fellow was celebrating 92 years on this Earth. He spoke to his toes. "Hello, toes!" he said, "How are you, toes? You know, you are 92 today. Oh, the times we've had! Remember we walked in the park in summer every Sunday afternoon. The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy Birthday, toes!"
"Hello, knees," he continued. "How are you, knees? You know you're 92 today. Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh the hurdles we've jumped together. Happy Birthday knees!"
Then, he looked down at his crotch. "Hello Willie! You little bugger, if you were alive today, you'd be 92."


Morris comes home to find his wife, Sadie, crying.
'I found out from the neighbors that you've been having an affair with that cheap secretary in your office! Why would you do that to me? Haven't I always been a good wife? I've cooked for you, raised your children, and I've always been by your side for thirty-five years. What haven't I done to make you happy?'
Embarrassed, Morris confesses, 'It's true, Sadie, you've been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You don't moan when we make love!'
Sadie questions: 'If I moaned when we had sex, you'd stop running around?! All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I, too, can moan!'
So they retire to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb beneath the sheets. As they begin to kiss, Sadie asks, 'Now, Morris, should I moan now?'
'No, not yet.'
Morris begins fondling Sadie. 'What about now, Morris? Should I moan now?'
'No, I'll tell you when!'
He climbs on top of Sadie and begins to have intercourse.
'Is it time for me to moan, Morris?'
'Wait, I'll tell you when.'
Moments later, in the heat of passion, Morris yells 'Now, Sadie, moan! MOAN!'
'OY! OY!' Moans Sadie. 'You wouldn't BELIEVE what a day I've had!'
Samo za naš LT, neki primeri kako se može odgovoriti korisniku na biserna pitanja a da se zna da nije odgovorila automatska sekretarica Smile

These questions about Canada were posted on an international tourism website and obviously the answers came from a fellow Canuck.
Q: I have never seen it warm on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only six thousand km, take lots of water. . .

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)!
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North . . . oh
forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Canada? (UK)
A: You are an American politician, right?

Q: Can you tell me the regions on British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Canada who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: All Canadian rattle snakes are perfectly harmless, and can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I was in Canada in 1969 on R&R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Surrey, BC. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
Otišao Haso kod psihijatra:

– Doktore, u poslednje vreme mi se dešavaju neke čudne stvari. Mislim da moj nameštaj ponekad govori.

– Kako to mislite – da govori?- začudjeno će doktor.

– Pa…ljepo. Spavam ja tako sa ženom i kroz san čujem kako ormar u našoj spavaćoj sobi kaže:

”Čini mi se da je ovaj tvoj zaspao.”

A moja žena će njemu:

”Izgleda da jeste.”

Onda ormar kaže njoj :

” Dobro, idem ja onda.”

I tu ja onda poludim, pa mu kažem:

”Kudaaaa….? Ne ideš ti nikud. Još te nisam ni otplatio!”


Stiže poljoprivredna sezona pa evo malog saveta za bolji rod Big smile

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen,"What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."
Poštar dolazi na jednu farmu i pita gazdaricu:
• Gde vam je muž?
• U štali s kravama.
• A kako ču ga prepoznati?
• On je jedini u štali čiji se rogovi ne vide.


Pita sin kevu:
• Mama, zašto se moja seka od tetke zove Ruža?
• Zato što tvoja tetka voli cveće.
• A šta ti voliš mama?
• Ma prestani da me zapitkuješ Đokice!


Šta je zajedničko apstinenciji od seksa i ekonomskoj krizi.
Ako dugo potraju ojačaće desnicu.
Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again are thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2. If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3. Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Commandment 4. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Commandment 5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Commandment 8. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9. Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wife treats husband like toxic waste.
Commandment 10. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished..

Statistika kaže da je čak 70% žena spavalo sa konjem, magarcem, majmunom, volom ili džukelom.


Za koga kažemo da je biseksualac?
Onaj ko bi, a ne može.
Statistika je zaboravila soma rofl
Svako leprsanje uglavnom dovodi do toga da leti perje na sve strane (LiMuBaj)
Doktor pita pacijenta:
• Da li se možda bavite nekim opasnim sportom?
• Pa, ... da, ... ponekad se suprotstavim ženi!

Leti roda među oblacima. Na leđima nosi dedu od 70 godina koji je lupa po glavi i viče:
• Je li, rodo, da mi nismo zalutali ?!


Čitav život učim na svojim greškama i sada grešim bez greške!
Evo jedan stari vic ali i danas aktuelan Smile

Zašto Deda Mraz nosi metar?
Merry Christmas.
Folk is not dead!
Kaže Fata Muji :
- Dokazano je da dete nasledi 80% inteligencije od majke !
Mujo će :
. A jesteee, a od oca, kao, samo 35 % ?

Guide: "I welcome you all to Niagara Falls. These are the world's largest waterfalls and the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, even 20 supersonic planes passing by can't be heard...
Now may I request the ladies to keep quite so that we can hear the Niagara Falls?"
- Šta je zajedničko za Mileta Kitića i Novaka Đokovića?
- Prezime!

Muž i žena gledaju boks, pa on uzdahne:
- Razočaran sam, sve se završilo za četiri minuta.
- E, sad znaš kako je meni.


Doktor se posle pregleda obraća jednom pacijentu:
- Vama je potreban savršeni mir. Prepisaću vam ove tablete za smirenje. Tri puta dnevno ih dajte svojoj ženi!
- Je li ti se svidja moj novi iPhone?
- Da. Koliko si ga platio?
- Nisam ga kupio, dobio sam ga...
- Gde bre?
- Pobedio sam u trci...
- Koliko vas je ucestvovalo?
- Pandur, vlasnik telefona i ja...

Dođe žena u poštu. Hoće da pošalje telegram, ali je škrta na novcu, pa pita radnicu:

●Dajete li popust ako je u pitanju smrtni slučaj?

●Naravno, gospođo, tada je upola jeftinije - odgovori ljubazna radnica.

Žena to jedva dočeka, pa reče:

●Odlično! Piši tu: "Radovane, vraćaj se kući, koljemo svinju!"

Razgovor babe i unuka:
• Još samo da završiš fakultet, pa mogu da umrem ...
• Baba, završio sam faks!
• Još samo da se oženiš, pa mogu da umrem ...
• Čekaj baba, nismo se tako dogovorili!
Mujo i Haso polažu ispit iz anatomije.
Pitaju Muju:
- Šta ce biti ako ti iskopamo jedno oko?
Mujo kaže:
- Necu vidjeti na jedno oko.
Pitaju ga ponovo:
- Šta ce biti ako ti iskopamo i drugo oko?
Mujo odgovori:
- Bicu skroz corav.
Mujo položi ispit, kaže Hasi sve odgovore i ode.
I sad pitaju Hasu:
- Šta ce da bude ako ti odsjecemo jedno uho?
Kaze Haso:
- Necu vidjeti na jedno oko.
Pitaju Hasu opet:
- A šta ce biti ako ti odsjecemo i drugo uho?
Haso odgovori:
- Bicu skroz corav.
Profesor upita:
- Ma kakve veze imaju oci i uši?
A Haso odgovori:
- Pa ako mi odsjecete oba uha, kapa ce mi spasti na oci...

Šta radi Piroćanac kad mu se zapali kuća?
Cimne vatrogasce i kaže da ga nazovu.


Samo za oženjene Big smile

"Oh God," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"

Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised: You've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!"
Šta rade peder i peder?
- Vode ljubav.
Šta rade lezbejka i lezbejka?
- Vode ljubav.
A šta rade peder i lezbejka?
- Vode državu.
Folk is not dead!
ne znam da li ovde vazi ovaj vid stavljanja viceva
ali meni je ovo popravilo dan Big smile

Idi bezi, cepis dupe za dva dinara rofl

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