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  • 5 Glasova - 4.2 Prosečno
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Vicevi
Auuu kolko je ovaj novac devalvirao, za popravku leve sise Svetoj Ceciliji trebalo samo 16 krajcara a sad za obične silikone traže hiljade evra....
 
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[Slika: 121228771076203612412655.jpg]
 
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U jednom selu u Srbiji običaj je da kada umre devojka , ako je nevina obuku joj belu odeću, a ako nije rozu.
Umire devojka i pita je majka:
Kćeri, snago moja kakvu haljinu da ti obučem tugo, moja...
Al belu, al rozu ?
Pa mamo obuci mi belu, al s roze cvetići Tongue

Razgovaraju dve studentkinje:
Jesi li polagala juče
Naravno...
I ?
Pa ništa , oborio me je, položila sam.....
 
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Odrastanje delim na:
1. Kući da si do 22h!
2. Budi do 23h kući.
3. Možeš do ponoći.
4. Kad ćeš kući?
5. Pa jebote, imaš li ti kuću?

________________________________________________________________________________________

- Sto je to ljubav na prvi pogled?

- Kada se sretnu dvoje napaljenih ljudi koji nisu previse izbirljivi.
_______________________________________________________________________________________

Ovo sam našao na jednom sajtu sa vicevima pa nisam siguran ali deluje mi da se radi o istinitim događajima. Znam da ameri imaju neko bizarno takmičenje gde se prijavljuju ovakvi slučajevi pa se onda bira "najgluplja smrt godine" pa mi deluje da je ovo nešto sa te liste.

A man buys a brand new Grand Cherokee for $30,000+, and has $400.00+ in monthly payments. He's pretty proud of this rig and gets ahold of his friend to do some male bonding with the new ride. They go duck hunting and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two Atomic Brains go to the lake with their guns, the dog, the beer and of course the new vehicle.
They drive out onto the ice. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area to attract ducks - something the decoys will float on.
Remember it's all ice, and in order to make a hole large enough to interest a flock of ducks - a hole big enough to entice ducks to land, they needed to use a little more than an ice hole drill...
Sooo, out of the back of the brand-new Jeep Grand Cherokee comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40-second fuse. Now to their credit, these two rocket scientists DID take into consideration that if they placed the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they (and the new Grand Cherokee) would be waiting and ran back quickly, they would risk slipping on the ice as they ran from the imminent explosion and could possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. After a little deliberation, they come up with lighting and THROWING the dynamite, which is what they end up doing.
Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the beer, the guns AND THE DOG???? Yes, the dog. The driver's pet Black Lab (used for retrieving - especially things thrown by the owner). You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice, reaching the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice - all to the woe of the two idiots which are now yelling, stomping, waving arms and wondering what the hell to do now...
The dog is happy and now heads back toward the "hunters" with the stick of dynamite. I think we all can picture the ever-increasing concern on the part of the brain trust, as the loyal Labrador Retriever approaches. The Bozos now are REALLY waving their arms - yelling even louder and generally feeling kinda panicked... Now finally one of the guys decides to think - something that neither had done before this moment, grabs a shotgun and shoots the dog. This sounds better than it really is, because the shotgun was loaded with #8 duck shot and hardly effective enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog DID stop for a moment, slightly confused, but then continued on. Another shot, and this time the dog - still standing, became REALLY confused & of course scared...
Thinking that these two Nobel Prize Winners have gone TOTALLY INSANE, the pooch takes off to find cover with a now extremely short fuse still burning on the stick of dynamite. The cover the dogs finds? Underneath the brand new Grand Cherokee worth 30-some thousand dollars the $400.00+ monthly payment vehicle that is sitting nearby on the lake ice.
BOOM! Dog dies, vehicle sinks to bottom of lake, and these two "Co-Leaders of the Known Universe" are left standing there with this "I can't EVEN believe this happened to me" look on their faces. Later, the owner of the vehicle calls his insurance company and is promptly informed that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT covered on his policy...He had yet to make his first car payment.

GRAVITY KILLS
A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead yesterday after he tried to use accessory straps (the stretchy little ropes with hooks on each end) to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said. Fairfax County police said Eric A. Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped ... and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground." Police say the apparent cause of death was "major trauma". An autopsy is scheduled for later in the week.

LAUNCHED ON THE FOURTH OF JULY
Three young men in Oklahoma were enjoying the coming Fourth of July holiday and wanted to test fire some fireworks. The only real problem was, their launch pad and seating arrangements were atop a several hundred thousand gallon fuel distillation storage tank. Oddly enough, fumes were ignited, producing a fireball seen for miles. They were launched several hundred feet into the air and found dead some 250 yards from their respective seats.

DON'T ASK GOD TO PROVE HIMSELF, HE JUST MIGHT
A lawyer and two buddies were fishing on Caddo Lake in Texas when a lightning storm hit. Most of the other boats immediately headed for the shore, but not our friend the lawyer. Alone on the rear of his aluminum bass boat with his buddies, this individual stood up, spread his arms wide and shouted: "HERE I AM LORD, LET ME HAVE IT!" Needless to say, God delivered. The other two passengers on the boat survived the lightning strike with minor burns.

THE BOYS OF SUMMER
A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. Big deal you may say, but there's a twist here that makes him a candidate. It seems he and a friend were playing catch with a rattlesnake. The friend (a future Darwin Awards candidate himself) was hospitalized.

THEY SAY THOSE THINGS WILL KILL YOU
Not much was given to me on this unlucky fellow, but he qualifies nonetheless. You see, there was a gentleman from Korea who was killed by his cell phone ... more or less. He was doing the usual "walking and talking" when he walked into a tree and managed to somehow break his neck. Keep that in mind the next time you decide to drive and dial at the same time.

GOT A LIGHT?
In a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized warehouse noticed the smell of gas. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition -- lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked.
Witnesses later described the scene of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician that was suspected of causing the explosion had never been thought of as "bright" by his peers.

___________________

Za kraj moje aktivne službe ostaje mi samo da još kažem, mada znam da će to Limubaja razočarati Smile :

 
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Pitali lisicu sta bi volela da nauci.
-Da igram sah.
-Zasto?
-Pa da pojedem lovca.
Svi mi kojima fali Krstitelj i drugi smajliji Big smile
 
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Sagradio pop crkvu, a njegov prvi susjed hodža džamiju.
Pop podigne zvonik, hodža podigne minaret.

Kupi pop BMW, hodža kupi BMW.
Jednog dana uzme pop vode i ode oprat BMW. I dok je išao, vidi hodžu kako s motorkom pili auspuh na svom BMW-u...
- "Šta radiš pobogu?" - upita ga pop.
A hodža će:
- "Kad ti svoga možeš krstit mogu i ja svoga obrezat!"

Sjede 3 rode na krovu i pijuckaju jutarnju kavu, pita jedna drugu:
- gdje ti danas imaš turu?
- ma letim jednom starom bračnom paru da napokon donesem jedno dijete, a ti?
- Ja nosim jednima dvojke danas
Pogledaju treću rodu i pitaju je , a ti stari koja je tvoja tura danas ?
- Ma ja vam letim danas do samostana
Ostale dvije : U je.....booo te, opet neka časna trudna?
- Ma nije , imam slobodan dan, ali se časne use*u svaki put kad me vide

Otvorili Mujo i Haso doktorsku ordinaciju u Švicarskoj. Dobro im krenulo, pacijenti počeli dolaziti, počeli napuštati švicarske klinike i dolaziti u Mujinu i Hasinu. Vidjeli to Švicarci, pa odluče poslati svog doktora kao pacijenta da izvidi u čemu je tajna njihovog uspjeha. Ulazi doktor u ordinaciju i obrati se Muji:
- Imam problema s čulom mirisa.
- Haso! Lijek broj 5! – vikne Mujo.
Donese Haso kantu go*ana i stavi je Švicarcu pod nos.
- Auuu, smrdi! – vikne ovaj.
- Piši: izlječen! – kaže Mujo Hasi.
Kako je vrijeme prolazilo, ne ostane Švicarcima nijedan pacijent. Opet pošalju oni istog doktora da vidi što se događa, samo ovaj put s drugom 'dijagnozom'. Dolazi doktor kod Muje i kaže:
- Nedavno sam imao nesreću, izgubio sam pamćenje i ničega se ne sjećam.
- Haso! Lijek broj 5! – vikne Mujo.
- Neee! – ote se Švicarcu.
- Haso, piši: izlječen!

SAMO ZA 18+

Razgovaraju dvije žene i kaže jedna:
- „Čula sam da od prevelikog penisa možeš dobiti rak materice!“
A druga će na to:
- „A ja sam čula da od malog dobiješ slom živaca!“
 
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Kada želiš da birokratiji daš do znanja da je glupa i da treba da prestane da te za...frkava onda je plus ako si obrazovan i imaš dobar smisao za ironiju. Primenjivo na svim prostorima.

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply.
(Actual letter):
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."
Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):
"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S. , from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.
For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France , which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain
The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana . God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back, to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our damn loan?"
The loan was approved.
 
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Блисточе забушаваш, знаш да кад те нема дуже време да онда дође Разнобојко са оним глупим вицевима, који су смешни само предшколцима, и загади тему.

Блисточе врати се! Блисточе врати се! Блисточе врати се! Блисточе врати се! Блисточе врати се! Блисточе врати се! Блисточе врати се! Блисточе врати се! Блисточе врати се! Блисточе врати се! Блисточе врати се! Блисточе врати се! Блисточе врати се! Блисточе врати се! Блисточе врати се! Блисточе врати се! Блисточе врати се! Блисточе врати се! Блисточе врати се! Блисточе врати се! Блисточе врати се! Блисточе врати се! Блисточе врати се! Блисточе врати се! Блисточе врати се! Блисточе врати се! Блисточе врати се! Блисточе врати се! Блисточе врати се! Блисточе врати се! Блисточе врати се! Блисточе врати се! Блисточе врати се! Блисточе врати се! Блисточе врати се! Блисточе врати се! Блисточе врати се! Блисточе врати се! Блисточе врати се! Блисточе врати се! Блисточе врати се! Блисточе врати се! Блисточе врати се! Блисточе врати се! Блисточе врати се! Блисточе врати се! Блисточе врати се! Блисточе врати се!
 
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Smile
Mda, mislim da su oni vicevi? zabranjeni za to godište Smile
Ne zabušavam, lepo sam napisao da sam već postavio sve ono što mi je bilo smešno i da nemam više ni jedan. Mogu samo da ponavljam stare, one na engleskom, ili da postujem one koji su ok ali me baš i nisu nasmejali. Zato bi bilo bolje da neko drugi preuzme podijum i kači one što su njemu smešni ... Ok, Različka bi i ja izostavio iz ovog poziva Smile
999 je imao finu postavku pre neki dan, Dealla ako prestane da pravi šunku od pljeskavice isto ume da ubode a vreme je i da se pojave neke nove snage. Da parafraziram velikog mislioca Gručo Marksa " --beš klub u kojem sam ja bitan član" Smile
 
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Ovu školu bi trebalo ustanoviti i kod nas Smile

Two delicate blossoms of Southern femininity, one from Mississippi and the other from Texas, were conversing on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion. The Mississippian said, "When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me." The Texan lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"

The lady from Mississippi continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive."

Again, the Texas lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"

The first woman boasted, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the Texas lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did you husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

The Texas lady replied, "My husband sent me to charm school."

"Charm school!" the first woman cried. "Land sakes, child, what on Earth for?"

The Texas lady responded, "So that instead of saying, 'who gives a crap,' I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that nice?'"
 
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Sta je to, Blistoce, specijalno izdanje, samo za Bittera? Wink
 
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Može i za njega Smile
Ima dobrih viceva na engleskom ali dosta ljudi ne zna taj jezik pa mi glupo da samo njih kačim a mrzi me da ih prevodim. Pa onda samo ponekad, dok se ne nađe več neko ko će pokrenuti ponovo temu.
 
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Dođe mali Perica u kupleraj, Molim Vas dajte mi najgoru zaražulju ovde.
Svi padnu na teme, Em klinac, em kupleraj , em naj droca ?????
Pita ga MADAM
Dobro dobiješ je gratis samo mi pojasni zašto baš ta raspaduša?
Pa vidiš
Ja kresnem nju i zarazim se
Onda kresnem komšinicu Milku i ona se zarazi
Nju kresne tata i on se zarazi
Tata kresne mamu i prenese joj zarazu
Mamu kresne kommšija Žika i on se pelcuje
Pa će da vidi kome je pocepao fudbal pi...ka li mu materina....
 
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[Slika: 123017221015349041772174.jpg]
 
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Nije bas za viceve, ali ne znam gde drugde da stavim, pa cu ipak ovde Smile

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Како сте?
Хераклит: "Иде, иде."
Сизиф: "Гура се."
Дарвин: "Човек се прилагоди."
Исус: "Преживећу."
Ајнштајн: "У односу на кога?"
Сократ: "Не знам."
Фројд: "Кажите ви."
Епименид: "Лагао бих када бих вам рекао."
Хајзенберг: "Зависи."
Леопарди: "Ругате ми се?!"
Шехерзада: "Укратко ћу вам рећи..."
Шекспир: "Како вам драго."
Нострадамус:"Када?"
Саша Матић: "А ви, како те?"
Луцифер: "Хвала Богу, добро."
Фуко: "Ко?"
Паганини: "Већ сам рекао."
Годо: "Чекам се."
Метузалем: "Вучем се некако."
Агата кристи: "Погодите."
Шешељ: "Вучје време."
Ширл: "Да ли је то питање?"
Винкелман:"Класично питање."
Svi mi kojima fali Krstitelj i drugi smajliji Big smile
 
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